Shattered Lies
by Aislinn Carter
Summary: Kathryn was only trying to protect her daughter...until they ran into her daughter's father. Post-Endgame. J/C


This started out as a drabble, I swear, and it took on a life of it's own. It's nothing too heavy, not much drama or conflict, but I hope you like it. It's 1st person pov, which I've never been very good at, but hey, the only way to get good at something is to keep practicing, right? Oh, and this is not a Shattered episode story. Sowwy if you thought it was.

Oh, and if anyone, after reading this, has a problem with it being rated K+ and thinks it should be T, let me know. I normally don't care about those sorts of things, but I don't want to offend anyone and I was genuinely confused about what to rate this, since there is no violence but there is definitely indications of sex. I'm pretty sure none of us are going to be offended, but I have to cover my bases, just in case.

BTW, if you think Seven is acting a little bipolar...well, she is. I have decided. Seven is bipolar. No offense to anyone who is. I've just been thinking over her behavior in general, and I've come to that conclusion. Or maybe I need more sleep, I don't know.

Disclaimer: I don't own them. I'm just attempting to clean up the mess TPTB made out of them, as we all are.

* * *

_Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,  
And sorry I could not travel both  
And be one traveler, long I stood  
And looked down one as far as I could  
To where it bent in the undergrowth;_

_Then took the other, as just as fair  
And having perhaps the better claim,  
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;  
Though as for that, the passing there  
Had worn them really about the same,_

_And both that morning equally lay  
In leaves no step had trodden black  
Oh, I kept the first for another day!  
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,  
I doubted if I should ever come back._

_I shall be telling this with a sigh  
Somewhere ages and ages hence:  
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I  
I took the one less traveled by,  
And that has made all the difference._

-Robert Frost, **A Road Not Taken**

* * *

I named her Charlotte.

She was beautiful, with green eyes and chocolate colored hair. There was very little of me in her…she was all her father.

I raised her in Indiana, away from prying eyes and malicious rumors. Very few knew I had a child…even fewer knew who her father was.

She didn't even know.

I hadn't seen him in years, since that fateful night he came to my office at HQ, weeping and carrying on about the mistakes he had made. Mistakes with me, mistakes with his wife, mistakes with his life. I let him cry in my arms, and I let his tears fall on my face.

I let him do a lot more than that.

Charlotte was eight when I saw him again. I had taken her to San Francisco to tour the city. She had never been there before. She begged and begged to see Starfleet, to walk the academy grounds and see where Mommy used to work. Against my better judgment, I took her. I had no idea where he was now, but I hardly expected to run into him there.

It was Charlotte who met him first. She had run off while I was speaking to an old friend of my father's. When I turned around, I was just able to catch a glimpse of her ponytail disappearing around a shrub.

Exasperated – because this wasn't the first time she had run off – I trotted after her. I turned the corner of the impressive shrubbery – Bootheby's work? Was he even still alive? – and saw her talking to a man and two boys.

I recognized him immediately, even just by his back.

As I approached, I could hear her chattering away happily, and I could hear his deep laugh. Didn't he recognize her? Didn't he see himself in her face?

"And Mommy said we could see where she used to work. She used to be an admiral, you know."

"Really? Maybe I knew her. I was in Starfleet for a long time."

"Daddy was on a ship lost in the Delta Quadrant," one of the boys said.

Charlotte's face lit up. "Really? So was Mommy! You must have known her, her ship was called Voyager!"

"_Her_ ship?" He said sharply.

"Well, sure, she was the captain!" Charlotte said happily. She had always been very impressed that I had been the captain of a ship. She caught sight of me then. "There she is!"

He turned slowly as I came to a stop behind him. He looked no different, and I suppose I didn't either. The years had been good to us in that respect. His eyes took me in, wide and shocked. We hadn't looked or spoken to each other in nearly nine years. I don't know if it was on purpose or not. It hadn't really been on my part. It had been guilt more than anything. I told myself that if he had contacted me, I would have spoken to him, but I don't really know if I would have, and maybe he'd had the same thoughts. I know I didn't want to tell him about Charlotte.

"Kathryn," he whispered.

"Hello, Chakotay." I smiled tightly, terrified now of what would happen when he realized Charlotte was his.

"You're Chakotay?" Charlotte exclaimed, at the same time as one of the boys shouted, "You're Kathryn?"

I smiled wryly. "I see my reputation precedes me."

Chakotay's eyes wandered from Charlotte to me, and his mouth tightened. "Why don't you kids go play by the statue over there? You see, the Enterprise statue? Go on."

"Go ahead, Charlotte," I said softly.

Chakotay watched as the three of them ran off to climb on the statue. He turned back to me, and I cringed at the fire in his eyes.

"How old is she?"

"Oh, Chakotay, let's not do this."

_"How old is she?"_

I took a deep breath. All my reasons for keeping her secret suddenly didn't hold water under the assault coming from his eyes. "She's just turned eight."

"Eight?" His eyes filled with tears. "How could you, Kathryn? How could you do that? What the hell is wrong with you?'

I gestured towards the boys. "I didn't know about them, but they would have only strengthened my decision. You have a family, Chakotay. I couldn't destroy that. I couldn't hurt Seven like that."

"Hurt Seven?" he gasped. "Seven _left_ me, just after the boys were born, eight years ago." He nodded at my little gasp of surprise. "She was pregnant already by the time I came here to see you. I didn't know. As soon as I returned, she told me, and I decided I couldn't leave her. Then the boys were born, and she couldn't handle it. She began to have affairs." He snorted in contempt. "That was one aspect of her humanity she had no problem figuring out."

I had a hand to my mouth, and I placed the other on his arm, still so firm and strong after all these years. "Oh, Chakotay, I'm so sorry."

""Don't be sorry for me. Be sorry for the boys. She left when they were six months old, and all they know of her is an occasional birthday card or gift. They've never met her, and she's never offered to see them. I don't even think I would let her at this point." He took a deep breath, still staring after the children. "I didn't get in touch with you because I couldn't burden you with what had become of my life. I had two babies and a broken ego from her, and a broken heart because I couldn't be with you. I figured if you wanted to talk to me, you would call. I figured you would have heard about Seven leaving and called me, and when you didn't, I figured maybe you hadn't cared as much as I thought you had; maybe that night had been…I don't know, pity sex."

"Pity sex?" I hissed. "I think you know me better than that."

He leveled his angry gaze on me. "Do I? The Kathryn Janeway I know would have never kept my own child from me."

"I felt the same way you did. That you would contact me if you wanted to. You never did."

"I looked for you at all the Voyager gatherings. Hardly anyone has heard from you in years. B'Elanna said she and Tom received an occasional letter, Tuvok as well. But no one has seen you or had any idea what you were doing or really, where you were. You resigned your Starfleet commission just after I saw you and that was that." He glanced back at Charlotte. "How _could _you?"

I felt my heart break at the anguish in his voice. "I'm sorry…I don't know what else to say. I did it for her as much as anything. I didn't know if you would even want her."

"You know I wanted children!" He almost shouted, and I winced. "Why wouldn't I want her? My marriage was crumbling. If I would want anyone it would be you and her over Seven. I was going to leave her, Kathryn. I couldn't be with her anymore."

"You were only married a few months." I said softly. "Maybe I thought you hadn't really given it a chance."

"Why did you let me marry her?"

I was taken aback by the question. "I thought you were happy. I thought she would make you happy. I had no idea how miserable you were until you came to see me. I never heard of you divorcing her after that, so I assumed you had worked things out. I couldn't ruin your marriage."

"There was no marriage to ruin. You would have known that if you had bothered to contact me. And I barely knew her, Kathryn! We were barely home a year before we were married. It was a sham to begin with."

I shrugged helplessly. "What do we do now?"

He gazed at Charlotte again, then looked at me with determination. "She's my daughter. You're going to tell her, and I'm going to see her. You owe me eight years, Kathryn." He shook his head. "Eight years. I can't even believe you. The perfect Admiral Janeway, what would people think?"

"I don't care what people think!" I flared at him. "I did what I thought was best for everyone."

"Which is exactly what you've always done, arbitrarily making decisions for everyone based on what _you_ think!" he shot back. "Well, we're not on Voyager anymore, Kathryn. You're not in charge here. You stole my daughter from me, and you're going to make that up to me." He looked over at her again. He couldn't seem to keep his eyes off of her. "We'll have to have a custody agreement."

I swallowed. In all my fantasies about Chakotay knowing about her, a custody arrangement had never entered into the picture. "Custody?"

He looked at me. "Yes, custody. Do you think I trust you not to try to keep her from me again?"

I felt my blood pressure rise just with those words. "Trust? _Trust?_ If anyone lost trust first, it was me. Seven of Nine, Chakotay, of all people! How could you? You bastard, you were lucky I ever spoke to you again after that! And I didn't even find out from you, oh no, I had to find out from a crotchety, bitter old bitch!"

"Yeah, you neglect to mention that crotchety bitter bitch was you!"

I turned to where the children were. "Charlotte! Charlotte, come on, we're leaving!" I glared at him. "I'll have my lawyer draw up a custody agreement that I'm sure will satisfy you. Although I don't know exactly how this will work with you living on Trebus."

"If you paid any attention at all you would know I've been on Earth for _seven years_," he snarled. "Seven years where I could have known my daughter. We live in San Francisco, Kathryn!"

My heart almost broke at that. Seven years, and he had been close enough to touch. Charlotte could have had a father. And brothers. Oh, God, what had I done?

"Then I'm sure you'll see her often," I said icily. I reigned in my temper as the children came running towards us. "I'll explain to her tonight…who you are, who the boys are. Maybe…maybe you can come by with them tomorrow? We're staying at the San Francisco Regent. We'll be here for a few more days." I looked down. I was much more inclined to be generous now that I knew the scope of my mistake, that if I had just looked a little farther, I would have seen that he was right there for the taking. "I won't try to keep her from you, or to limit your relationship. You should know each other, and I'm so sorry you don't."

He softened. "Thank you. I'll talk to the boys tonight, as well. It's going to be harder to explain to them why they have a younger sister who was conceived while their parents were still married."

Our conversation stopped as the kids reached us. "Do we have to leave, Mommy? I was having so much fun with Kole and Manny."

I raised an eyebrow at Chakotay. "Kolopak and Magnus. But I think they're a bit young for such cumbersome names just yet."

"I think they're cool names." Charlotte made a face. "My name is so plain, but Mommy says I'm kind of named after my father."

Chakotay's jaw dropped a little, and one of the boys – I wasn't sure who, since they were nearly identical – tilted his little head at her. "What's your dad's name?"

"I don't know. He can't be with us. But he loves me. Mommy tells me every night."

The other boy nodded. "That's what Dad tells us about our mother. She can't be with us, either."

I gazed with sudden sadness at these three children, all of whom had lost a parent through no fault of their own. Charlotte's loss - I was beginning to realize – was my fault. But Chakotay's sons had lost their mother because she just wasn't ready to _be_ a mother. I had tried to be a mother to Seven, since her memories of her own mother were so very few and from so long ago, but perhaps my influence hadn't been as great as I thought. She had no motherly influence for much of her life. It was poor preparation for her own maternal adventure.

I looked back at Chakotay. I could see that Charlotte's comments about being named after her father and being told he loved her had struck a chord. I had never lied to her, not really. When she started growing and realizing what a father was, and began asking me where hers was, I told her the truth as best as I could. He couldn't be with us. As far as I knew, that was the case. But I told her he loved her, and that was the truth. Because I knew that if he met her, he would have loved her. I could see he loved her already.

Maybe this wouldn't be so hard.

* * *

Charlotte and I walked slowly back to our hotel. We were having a wonderful vacation so far, and I was happy to be able to show her the city I loved. My returns to San Francisco were few and far between, and never for pleasure. Since I resigned from Starfleet when I was pregnant, I had been writing, something which it turned out I was rather good at. I wrote whatever came to mind. I had long ago written a memoir of my time in the Delta Quadrant, and I had written several texts for the Academy about the Delta Quadrant, on topics ranging from native species to spatial anomalies, even tactical strategies we used while we were there. Tom, with my permission of course, had adapted several of the books to become exciting holo-adventures. While I had written for the purposes of teaching, Tom had taken the material and turned it into an exciting game. It was a skill I admired in him. He had become quite the success in the holo industry. I think what I admired more was that it was a side job, because he was still in Starfleet, working as a test pilot, which he loved. Unfortunately, our business correspondence was nearly the extent of our interaction. I had cut off nearly everyone in my efforts to hide my daughter.

So with my writing, I rarely had to make the trip to the city. And when I did, I was in and out. I knew a lot of people thought I was eccentric, but I also knew that my former crew wasn't miffed by my decision to be a hermit. They knew what those seven years had been like for me, and I knew it was a sign of deep respect that they not only refrained from hounding me or attempting to discover my whereabouts, but they deterred those who would try to intrude on the peace and privacy of my life, like those members of the press who certainly couldn't let anything go. With the ten year anniversary of Voyager approaching, they had been trying harder to reach me and find out if I would be attending the celebration. The truth was, I didn't know if I would be.

But that had changed now. Chakotay knew about Charlotte. There was no need for secrets anymore.

I held Charlotte's hand as we walked up to the hotel. Despite her earlier enthusiasm while playing with Chakotay's boys – her brother's – she was now unusually quiet. I waited until we reached our room to bring it up, but she spoke before I could.

"Mommy."

I placed my purse on the table in the small sitting room of our suite and pulled the headband out of my hair, shaking it loose. I had allowed my hair to grow longer over the years, and while it wasn't the long mass it had been when our journey on Voyager first began, it was certainly not the sexless bob I had insisted on wearing during our later years in the DQ. I liked my longer hair. It made me feel more feminine, which was a luxury I hadn't allowed myself while we were out there.

"What is it, sweetheart?" I asked absently, searching through my purse for the small brush I kept in there.

"That man was your first officer, right?"

"Yes," I said, emptying the bag on the table in my search.

"Were you friends?"

"He was my best friend." And, in my continuing search for a hairbrush, I missed the tone in my daughter's voice which should have set off warning bells in my head.

"If he was your best friend, how come I never met him?"

"Oh, you know…life…" I trailed off, finally finding the little compact brush I always kept in there. Success!

"Is he my father?"

I had just been opening the brush when her words struck me. Startled, I turned to look at her. She was standing behind me, staring at me. She was only eight. I couldn't believe she had asked me that question.

"What would make you think that?"

"I look more like him than I do like you."

And it was true. If there was one really good reason that I had kept Charlotte private, it was certainly that one. I didn't think strangers would look at her and go, "Oh, Admiral Janeway, you had your first officer's baby, didn't you?", but I knew, I _knew_, that anyone who had been on Voyager, especially the senior staff, would know within several seconds of staring at her. She did very closely resemble him, as she did his sons. Evidently those Mayan genes were stronger than my Irish ones, or Seven's Swedish ones. The boys certainly resembled him more – I saw absolutely nothing of Seven in them – but Charlotte was close behind. The only difference was, she had my mother's eyes.

I sat down on the couch and gestured for her to sit with me. "Would it bother you if he was your father? And if we saw more of him?"

She was quiet, thinking. "But…that would mean that Kole and Manny are my brothers, wouldn't it?"

"Yes."

"Well are you saying they are? And are you saying he's my father?"

I felt a little at a loss. I had imagined I would have control of the conversation, but she had initiated it before I could, and the control was with her. "Charlotte. Chakotay is your father, and the boys are your brothers. I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?"

"I'm sorry because I never told him about you." Her eyes grew wide. Clearly, this was something she had never thought. In her mind, he knew about her and loved her. "I hid it because what Chakotay and I did was shameful, although you are not. Never think that you are. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. And maybe…" I hesitated. "Well, maybe I was a little selfish. Maybe I didn't want to share you. I don't know. But sweetheart, when I tell you why I didn't tell him, I hope you won't be ashamed of me. Or embarrassed. You have nothing to be embarrassed about."

She looked a little nervous now, but she nodded. I took a deep breath.

"He was my best friend. I didn't lie about that. On Voyager, for many years, we were best friends. He was the only one I could turn to, and I knew he had feelings for me, but I also knew that as long as I was the captain and he was my first officer, I couldn't allow anything to happen."

"That's just silly."

I raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?" I asked indignantly. "Charlotte, I am the adult here. I think I knew what was for the best. Maybe you're too young to understand this…"

"No I'm not. If people love each other, they shouldn't let stupid things like that get in the way. "

"You weren't there, young lady, and I've told you not to say stupid." I said firmly. "Look, the Delta Quadrant wasn't as much of an adventure as I've let you think it was. I don't think you can comprehend how very far away and lost we were. People died. I can't tell you how many times Chakotay and I almost died. I think I was afraid to give him my heart because I was afraid to lose him. I had already lost two fiancées, one to death and one to circumstances, and I was afraid. So, we remained only friends, and as the years went by, even that began to fade.

"By the time we returned home, we were still friends, but nowhere near as close as we had been." Now, I hesitated, because I was in no way proud of the rest of the story. "I had found out…Chakotay had given up on me. A part of me always felt that we would be together when we got home, whenever that would be, and I thought maybe he felt the same way. But I guess he didn't, because he was dating someone else when we got home. Do you remember reading about the Borg woman we rescued, Seven of Nine?"

She nodded.

"Well, a few months after we came home, he married her."

She patted my hand with her little one. "I'm sorry, Mommy."

I took a deep breath. "Charlotte, you understand how babies are made, right?"

She nodded. While she didn't know everything about the process, she knew it took a man and a woman and I had stressed to her that is was usually a mad and a woman who were, if not married to each other, at least in a loving relationship with each other. I wasn't sure what she knew about adultery and sex in general, so I was very uncomfortable telling her the rest.

"Well, a few months after they were married, Chakotay came to me, upset. He was, well, he was crying. He was very unhappy with his marriage. He wanted to get a divorce. I tried to comfort him, and we both realized that our feelings for each other weren't as dead as we thought. That's when we made you, Charlotte. When he was still married to Seven. Do you understand?"

She looked down and nodded. "You had an affair."

I gasped that she even knew the word. "How do you know about affairs?"

"Nick James' mommy and daddy got divorced because she was having an affair. He told me all about it."

"Oh," I said, at a loss again. Did I know these sorts of things when I was eight? I couldn't remember.

"That's a very bad thing to do, Mommy," she said, still looking down. "Married people shouldn't do that."

"I know. I have no excuse for it, Charlotte, other than your father and I still loved each other and we both thought he would be getting divorced. And the love we had, honey, it couldn't compare to what he had with his wife. Even I knew that, that night. Maybe I hadn't before, but I knew then. But then he went back to his wife, and I never heard from him. I assumed they had worked things out, and I was hurt, but I was unwilling to ruin a marriage just for my own purposes," I sighed. "Then I found out I was having you. I decided to run away, to come home to my mother, and keep you from everyone. Maybe it was cowardly, but I couldn't hurt Chakotay's wife. She had been my friend, too, and I loved her very much. It hurt me when they started dating, because I thought she knew how special he was to me, but she might have thought that I would approve because of that, because she knew I valued him. She didn't understand the way humans thought because of how she had lived for so long. I think she felt that if we wanted each other, we would have been together. I don't think she knew she was hurting me.

"So as the years went by, and I never heard from him, I decided I had made the right decision. He was happy with Seven. I never heard anything about them, and I hardly spoke to anyone from Voyager anyway. I was happy with the way things were. I was sorry you didn't have a father, but I simply couldn't ruin a marriage, do you understand?"

She nodded.

"I didn't know until today that he and Seven had children. I didn't know that she left while they were babies. If I had known, I would have contacted him long ago, and things would be different. But I didn't know. I didn't even know he was on Earth! So there you go, the whole story. Chakotay is your father, the boys are your brothers, and I'm a horrible person."

"No…" Charlotte said slowly. "You're not horrible, Mommy. I know you weren't trying to hurt anyone. Does he know now?"

"Yes. He wants to know you, and be your father. He and the boys are going to come here tomorrow. Is that ok?"

"Sure. I like the boys. Are you going to get married now?"

"Oh…" I waved my hands around, trying to find words. "Oh, no. No, honey. We don't even know each other anymore, and I don't think he's very happy with me right now. He was very upset that he didn't know about you."

Her face fell. "But, Mooooooooom!" she whined. "You have to marry him!" she jumped up and stomped her foot. "It isn't fair! You took him away, now you have to marry him so I can have a family!"

I felt like she had hit me. "We have a family, Charlotte! Maybe it isn't the biggest or the best, but we're happy, aren't we? You, me and Grandma. We're happy!"

"I want to be like Aunt Phoebe and Uncle Paul and their kids. Grandma can still live with us, but I want my father and my brothers to live with us, too."

"You can't just demand…"

"I don't want to talk to you anymore!" she shrieked, then ran into the bedroom and slammed the door.

I stared after her in shock. She had been so mature throughout the whole conversation, then flipped when I told her there would be no one getting married. I should have known. Lately, she had been obsessed with weddings. She dressed up all her Barbie dolls – which Phoebe had given her against my specific wishes – in wedding dresses and bridesmaid dresses, and she and all her little girlfriends were always having pretend weddings. I shook my head. Well, too bad. Chakotay could barely look at me without anger in his eyes. I doubted he would be forgiving me anytime soon.

* * *

And yet, the next day, he was perfectly sweet to me. He brought flowers for Charlotte and me, beautiful yellow daisies for her, and of course, peace roses for me. I smiled at the twinkle in his eye.

"You sure do think these roses solve everything, don't you, Commander?"

"Let's just say they've always melted a certain captain's heart before," he said, grinning. "Oh, I beg your pardon. A certain admiral."

I waved a hand. "I was a captain a lot longer than I was an admiral. And they're beautiful, but I'm at a loss to explain how I deserve them."

"I was angry yesterday. I wasn't thinking. It couldn't have been easy for you, Kathryn. In fact, I can't imagine how hard it was to be in that situation."

I nodded, not really wanting to talk about it. I looked at the boys, who were hiding behind Chakotay. I smiled warmly at them.

"Hello, boys. How are you today?"

One of them just stared at me, his arm wrapped around his father's, but the other gazed at me critically. "Dad says Charlotte is our sister."

"She is. How do you feel about that?"

"Well, I always wanted a sister. And we like her."

"I'm glad."

"But you and Daddy were bad."

I flushed. "We did a not very nice thing, yes. I feel very terrible about it."

He shrugged. "It doesn't matter. Our mother left anyway. Maybe you could be our mother now, since Dad is your daughter's father."

I flushed even more, and Chakotay cleared his throat. "What did I tell you, Manny?"

Manny. I would have to remember, Kole was the quiet one. They weren't just nearly identical, they were completely identical.

"Well, come in. Charlotte's just finishing getting dressed." I smiled at Chakotay. "She's been changing her clothes constantly all day. She wants to look perfect for you."

They came in and the boys went to sit on the couch. Chakotay stood in the middle of the room, fiddling with the flowers in his hand, while I replicated two vases and filled them with water. I placed my roses in one and the other I left on the table for Charlotte's flowers.

She finally came out of the bedroom. Her long dark hair was brushed until gleaming, held back with a forest green headband. She was wearing a matching jumper over black leggings, and I could see she had put on her 'special' necklace, which she brought with her everywhere. It was a silver dolphin on a chain my mother had given her after a trip to Florida some years earlier. On her feet were black flats. I smiled to see the change of clothes. So far, she had gone through a denim skirt and yellow shirt, jeans and a t-shirt, a long blue dress, and her latest creation, a puffy ice pink dress with a white sash. She had been adamant about wearing that, until I suggested that the boys might want to play outside and she should really wear something more practical.

She came forward slowly, smiling shyly. Even though she had met him yesterday, it was different now. He was her father. She had never known her father before.

He smiled just as shyly, and I could see I had been right; they did have the same smile. He held out the flowers.

"Hello, Charlotte. I hope you like daisies."

She reached for them. "I love daisies!" she gushed, the ice suddenly broken. "Thank you!" She saw her brothers on the couch and waved at them. "Hi, guys."

"Hi, Charlotte," they said in unison.

"Can we go to the park?" She asked me. "You said maybe we could."

I made a decision then. "Well, why don't you four just go? It'll give you a chance to get to know each other. Would that be all right, Chakotay?"

"Yeah, that would be great," he said, somewhat uncertainly.

"Honey? Okay?"

She thought a moment and shrugged. "That's okay. But are you sure you don't want to come? Won't you be bored?"

"No, I'll be all right." I took her flowers. "I'll put these in water. Chakotay, there's a park right down the street from here."

"I know, we passed it. Are you sure you don't want to come, Kathryn?"

He looked a little nervous. I smiled and squeezed his shoulder. "Don't worry," I said in a low voice. "She'll talk so much you won't have to say a word. Trust me."

I couldn't believe I was asking him to trust me given what I had done, but he just smiled and hustled the kids out of there. I watched them go, full of feelings I couldn't name.

* * *

Chakotay dropped her off a few hours later. Much to everyone's disappointment, he and the boys had to leave for a pre-arranged dinner with Seven's cousin Matilda, her aunt Irene's daughter. While they rarely heard from Seven, they did, in fact, keep in contact with her family. Irene was on her last legs, but she still loved to see the boys, and her daughter and grandchildren were very close with them as well.

Charlotte chattered all night about her day in the park. We ate dinner in since we were going to be up early for a meeting I had at HQ the next day. I had grudgingly agreed to it, even though I knew it was just another bid for me to teach a class there that I had no intention of taking. However, I had been practically begged by Admiral Paris – one of the few I still kept in contact with and one of the _extremely_ few who knew I had a child – to attend, and I could never really say no to him.

It was Chakotay this, Chakotay that. Chakotay got us ice cream and Chakotay likes horses, too, and Mommy, did you know Chakotay hates pudding just like me? "But he likes mushrooms and he's a _vegetarian_! Mom, can you imagine not eating meat? Isn't that _terrible_? If I couldn't have Grandma's meatballs I don't know what'd I'd do. And he's an Indian!!"

"Native American," I corrected. "Indians are from India."

She ignored me, of course. "And he said he can teach me all sorts of Indian stuff, and he has that cool tattoo! Can I have one? Can I?"

"There will be no tattoos until you're eighteen. No tattoos, no piercings, no nothing until you're legally out from under my iron thumb."

"You're so mean, Mommy. And he said I didn't have to call him Dad if I wasn't comfortable with it, but that if I wanted to he would love that more than anything, but I think I should get to know him better before I do that. And Manny and Kole don't have a _T.V._," she said in a whisper, her eyes wide, as though it were something sacrilegious.

"The only reason we have a television is because Tom Paris thinks he has a fabulous sense of humor. And I'm not telling you again that you will cut down your time watching that brain fryer. All the other parents around town already hate me for introducing that thing to their kids."

And of course, she ignored me. "They live over on the hills over there in a house. But they don't have a lot of land like we do. They said Chakotay doesn't like that but because he works at Starfleet…"

"Chakotay works at Starfleet?" I interrupted. "I thought he said yesterday he _used_ to work there."

"Well, he's not in it anymore, he just teaches at the academy. He doesn't have a commish."

"A commission."

"Whatever. He's a professor there. He teaches archa-something."

"Archeology."

"Whatever. He has to work tomorrow even though it's summer because he teaches summer classes, and Manny and Kole transport to Arizona because that's where their grandma and aunt live and they stay there all day."

"Grandma and aunt?" I asked, shocked. I had been under the impression that Chakotay's entire family had been killed by the Cardassians.

"Yeah, well, I guess they're my grandmother and aunt, too." She looked momentarily surprised, like she hadn't made that connection yet. "I guess her kids are my cousins! Oh, Mommy, I have a new grandmother and aunt and cousins!"

"You do," I said, not paying all that much attention anymore. All I could think of was that once I had known Chakotay better than anyone, and now I knew nothing about him at all.

And whose fault, really, was that?

I didn't approach the question of Chakotay and me – of _us _- for a while. I let him get to know Charlotte – who within a week was calling him Daddy like she'd been doing it her whole life – and I let her get to know Manny and Kole. Our two week vacation was coming to an end soon, and I wasn't quite sure what would happen next.

My meeting at Starfleet had been what I expected. Please, Admiral Janeway, come spread your wise knowledge to our lowly cadets and walk amongst our hallowed halls once more. Well, I didn't say no as quickly as I thought I would. I said I would think about it. After all, things were changing. If I taught at the Academy, Charlotte could see her father more.

And so could I.

We were barely alone together, which was a good thing, I guess. But there was a spark still there that I wasn't sure what to do with. Did I have any right to do anything at all about it? And we didn't even know each other anymore. In fact, we had spent more years apart than we had together by now. And there was so much hurt, on both sides. I don't think I had ever truly forgiven him for taking up with Seven, and although he understood my reasons, I don't think he had truly forgiven me for what I had done.

Charlotte cried our last night in San Francisco. We went to dinner with Chakotay and the boys, looking like one big happy family. They came back with us to the hotel and when it was time to leave, she clung to Chakotay and sobbed and wailed like I hadn't seen her do in years. I felt terrible. Chakotay looked helpless.

"Honey, please don't cry like this," I said desperately. Even the boys looked close to tears. "You'll see him soon. He's just a transport away."

"But I won't see him every day like I have!" she wept. "It's not fair, it's not fair!"

"Well, what if we lived here?"

I hadn't meant to say it. It had just slipped out. But suddenly everyone was looking at me in surprise. Charlotte lifted her tear stained face and her eyes lit up.

"Really? Could we?"

"Kathryn?" Chakotay asked, confused.

"I was offered a job teaching at the academy," I explained to him. "Usually I turn them down, but this time I'm thinking about it." I gestured to the kids. "It might be the best solution here. I don't really want to take her from her home and school, but I already suspect she wouldn't mind the trade off."

"I won't mind," she said quickly. "It's just a transport away, anyway."

I rolled my eyes.

"Well, I don't want to try to influence your decision," Chakotay said. "But I would be really happy if you decided to stay here. And she could go to school with the boys. They'd be in the same grade."

"Yeah, we're only a few months apart." Manny said. "We'd make sure she'd have lots of friends."

I wasn't as torn as I was pretending to be. Moving back wasn't a hardship for me. I would always be a farm girl, but a big part of me had missed California, had missed Starfleet and the life I'd had. Oh, I would never be a captain again. I would never command a starship. But maybe something different could be just as fulfilling.

Besides, what did it matter? Charlotte would be getting the most fulfilling experience of her lifetime: a family.

I grinned slowly. "Well…I think we'd better talk it over with Grandma. But if she'll be ok with it, I think we could try it out for a time."

"Oh, Mommy!' my daughter launched herself at me and wrapped her little arms around me. "Oh, it's going to be so much fun! Can we have a pool?"

"Slow down," I laughed. "Well, we can look. But we're going to have a lot to do, Charlotte. I'm afraid you won't have the summer you were expecting."

"Can she come to Arizona with us next month?" Kole spoke up. "We always spend a few weeks in Arizona while Dad goes to visit friends on Trebus."

I glanced at Chakotay, who shrugged. "I guess that would be ok. But in the meantime, Charlotte, we have a lot to do. Are you up for it?"

"If it means we can stay here, I'm up for anything."

* * *

Things had gone too smoothly. I knew it couldn't be this easy.

I accepted the teaching job, and started looking for a house in the Bay area. Charlotte was enrolled at her brothers' school, and once I got my teaching schedule, Chakotay and I were able to figure out an arrangement that worked for all of us.

One day, I was walking home from the market in Bloomington. I usually walked as much as I could over the summer, because Indiana winters, even with the weather control system, could be pretty harsh. I wasn't paying all that much attention until I heard someone in a harsh whisper say "That's _her_."

I looked around. Standing in the doorway of a fresh produce store were a few women I knew from Charlotte's school. They were staring at me, some with contempt, others with curiosity, and one was holding a PADD for the others to see.

I frowned. They continued to stare. Taking a deep breath, I turned towards them and smiled.

"Problem, ladies?"

Tessa Gordon, a woman with whom I had been friendly, looked uncertain. "Kathryn," she said slowly. "Have you seen the news today?"

"No. Why?"

She sighed and handed me a PADD. I took it and gasped.

It was a picture taken while Charlotte and I were out to dinner with Chakotay and the boys. The headline read "STARFLEET'S TARNISHED GOLDEN GIRL".

Quickly, I read the article. How they had found all of this out I didn't know, but there it was, in detail. Sure some of the details were wrong, but the basic gist was there. It stated that Chakotay and I had been having a tumultuous affair all throughout his ill fated marriage, that I had been pregnant with his child the same time as his wife, and that she had left after discovering the truth, shattered and heartbroken. And now, I was raising her children as my own.

I shook my head in disbelief. How did they know? Had someone been following us? I should have known that my sudden appearance in San Francisco wouldn't go unnoticed, and that my frequent outings with my former first officer would certainly be noticed.

I glared up at the women. "You believe this crap? Yes, Chakotay is Charlotte's father. And no, not all of this is true. Get your facts straight before condemning me. I'm sure none of you are Girl Scouts anyway."

"Kathryn, I didn't…" Tessa started.

"Oh, not you Tessa. Them, with the Looks on their faces." I turned and immediately began walking away quickly. I just hoped no one had said anything to Charlotte.

I walked into the house, and my heart immediately sank. I heard Charlotte in the kitchen crying, and the tones of my mother's voice trying to soothe her. I half hoped that she had gotten into a fight with one of her friends or something like that, but I knew that was too much to hope for.

My mother looked up as I walked into the kitchen, and I knew she could tell that I already knew. Charlotte was sitting on her lap, balling her eyes out, and when she looked up at me with her pitiful eyes swimming with tears, my heart almost broke.

"Mommy!" she wailed. "I was at S-S-Simon's, and his older brother said m-m-mean things to me!" She lifted her arms to me and I picked her up, settling her on my own lap as I sat down.

"What did he say?" I asked softly, hoping he had just made fun of her hair or clothes.

"He said my mother was a…my mother was a wh-who-…" he voice joked on a sob. "He said my mother was a whore and a home wrecker and I'm a b-bastard."

I gasped and looked up at my mother, who shook her head in disgust. Simon's brother was a teenager, granted, but that kind of language was absolutely unacceptable in front of my daughter. Simon's mother had been one of the women glaring at me at the store. We had never gotten along.

"Charlotte, that is not true. I hope you don't listen when people say things like that to you, because it's just them being cruel and hurtful and petty."

"Mommy I didn't even know what it meant!" she wept. "But then he told me what it meant, he said you're going to hell and that I'm an abobimation."

"Abomination," I corrected. "And no, you're not." I looked at my mother again and bit my lip. Even in the 24th century, with how enlightened we considered ourselves and how civilized, there were still people like Simon's family, religious zealots who saw anything that was different as wrong. And besides which, at least seven out of every ten people I knew with children were unwed. What was the big deal? I hadn't even heard the word 'bastard' used in that way in ages. And calling me a whore? Oh, sure. I had a steady line of men out my door.

"You know none of that is true, right? That's just people being mean because they don't understand."

"But I thought you said no one knew about it."

"No one did, but someone found out and told the media about it. Because of who your father and I were, because of Voyager, we're pretty well known, even now. And with the ten year mark coming up. I guess reporters are looking for a new angle or dirt or something, I don't know." I sighed. "I'd better call your father in case he hasn't heard yet. Do you want to make the call with me?"

That brightened her up a bit, and she followed me into the living room where our main communications console was. My mother followed behind us, a worried look on her face.

We patched the call through and waited for a response. Chakotay's face came on the screen, and he looked grim.

"Kathryn," he said. "Have you heard?"

"Heard, seen, had it thrown in my face, sure." I gestured to Charlotte, who was leaning next to me. "Some kids had words with her about it."

His face fell and he gazed at our daughter. "I'm sorry, sweetie. But don't let it get to you, okay? They're just mean kids who have nothing better to do." He leaned forward and gave her a bright smile. "They're just jealous because you look like a fairy princess."

She giggled.

"You'll be okay, right?"

"Yeah, Daddy, I'll be ok. It just hurt my feelings."

"Well, don't worry. Mommy and I are going to do some damage control and hopefully this will all be forgotten."

Charlotte nodded.

"Honey, go in the kitchen with Grandma, okay?'

"Come on, Charlotte. You can help me with dinner." My mother held her hand out, and Charlotte took it and followed her out.

I sighed as I turned back to Chakotay. "How are the boys?"

"They're ok. They were home with me when I heard about it, and I explained to them what had happened. They're with some friends right now, but I don't think anyone is going to harass them too much."

"Of course not," I said wryly. "They're not the bastards and their mother's not the whore home wrecker."

"What?"

"One of her friend's older brother's said that to her. I could rip his head off."

He shook his head. "Poor kid. Hopefully this will all blow over. The only thing I can think of to do is to just face it and act like it doesn't bother us. We can issue a statement with the real story. I mean this nonsense about Seven leaving because of you…she doesn't even know. I didn't even know!"

"Well, she'll find out now." I said softly.

His eyes hardened. "I don't really care," he said shortly. "After what she did, I could honestly care less how she feels about this."

"The ten year anniversary is in a few weeks. I guess…I think we should go together. All of us."

"What, like a family/" he smiled. "Put up a united front?"

"Oh, please. Like anyone on Voyager is going to be surprised by this. I'm sure they're all settling up bets on their seventeen year old betting pool."

"Does anyone know already?" He asked intently. "Surely some people at least know that you have a daughter."

"Tuvok knows, and B'Elanna and Tom and Owen. Harry knows. None of them know you're her father. They've never even met her. I've always had some sort of excuse for not having her with me or for not attending events. But I think they might suspect who her father is, especially Tom and B'Elanna."

"Well, now they know for sure." He sighed. "Okay, I'm going to call someone at the Starfleet Press Office. We'll just tell the truth. That's all we can do. Do you want to come out here for a while? We have plenty of room."

I thought it over for a moment. Opinions in San Francisco might be less harsh than in Indiana, and surely Charlotte wouldn't want to be around her friends too much after what was said to her. I guess I hesitated for too long, because he sweetened the deal. "And bring your mother. I haven't seen her since the welcome home dinner. Maybe she'd like a vacation."

I nodded, smiling shyly. "Okay. Thanks."

"See you soon?"

"Tomorrow morning too soon?"

"It's never too soon for you guys."

* * *

We transported to a station down the block from Chakotay. He did indeed live on the hills, near Old Nob Hill, on Powell Street. Charlotte was incredibly excited to see the cable car, since we hadn't seen it on our last visit, and insisted on taking a ride. I told her another time. I just wanted to get inside and out of the view of the public. I had never cared what people thought of me in my maturity, not really, but this day I felt as if everyone were staring at me.

Chakotay lived in a charming brownstone, and it really did look too big for just the three of them. He had told me recently that the brownstone was several hundred years old, but had been extensively renovated a few decades earlier. The boys had claimed there were ghosts in the house. Rather than being scared like most other little girls, Charlotte had been thrilled.

We walked up to the house and I went to ring the bell, but the door was flung open and one of the twins – I couldn't tell who, but probably Manny, I thought – pulled Charlotte in and hugged her tightly. The other twin launched himself into the hug, and the three of them giggled as they all fell over.

Chakotay came jogging down the stairs and shook his head at the mess of kids on his floor. He leaned forward to take the bags out of my mother's hands and my own, and gave each of us a kiss on the cheek.

"Gretchen, it's wonderful to see you again."

"You as well, Chakotay," My mother said warmly. "You look wonderful."

"You look better. Okay, guys, let your sister go and come say hello to her grandmother."

The kids stood up and the boys allowed themselves to be introduced to my mother, after which they dragged Charlotte off to their playroom. Chakotay shook his head. "I can tell what it's going to be like around here. Like those two aren't enough of a hurricane, now I add in another one."

"Are we going to be too much of a problem?" Mom asked, worried.

"Ignore him, Mom. If he didn't want us here, we wouldn't be here."

"Exactly. Come on, I'll show you around.

The ground floor was spacious and nicely decorated. Chakotay told us his mother and sister had taken over that job when he moved in, and they had done a fabulous job of it. The house was tall and thin from the front, but we discovered that it was deep, with airy rooms and plenty of them. There was a kitchen, a dining room, a bathroom, the boys' playroom, a living room, a den and a study just on the ground floor. The second floor had five bedrooms and two bathrooms, and a small third floor had an attic storage space and a sort of sitting room area. It was a beautiful house, large and comfortable.

He showed us where we'd be sleeping. "We have two spare rooms. I wasn't sure how you'd want to do the sleeping arrangements, but the den downstairs also has a pull out couch if any of you wanted to use that. It's really up to you. The boys wanted to share a room to make a third bedroom, but every time they share a room I wake up to fighting in the morning."

"I'll sleep with Charlotte, Kathryn," Mom said. "We're both early to bed, and Kathryn putters all night."

"Still in that habit, huh? You should have seen her on Voyager, Gretchen. Some nights I'd go to the Mess Hall late, and there she'd be, just puttering around, as you say."

They shared a laugh at my expense – which I didn't see as very funny but what can you do – and we placed our bags in the appropriate rooms. I noticed Chakotay had led me to the bedroom closest to his, but I tried not to read anything into it.

Yes, I still loved him.

But more importantly, I still wanted him.

The last few weeks had opened my eyes to a lot of things. I should have called him, I should have asked someone about him, I should have done anything instead of ignore his existence. I didn't know how he felt about me now. We had been friendly, mostly for the sake of the kids, I think. I could tell there were still things he wanted to say to me, and I had my own mouthful to throw at him. We still needed to finish what we'd started that day we met at Starfleet. But that time would come. And I knew it would come soon.

And then I would know where we stood.

* * *

As it turned out, I didn't have to wait very long to find out where we stood.

I couldn't sleep. It wasn't very surprising. I always had a hard time falling asleep in a foreign environment. I made my way to the den, which overlooked the back deck. Chakotay's yard wasn't huge, but it was well taken care of and very child friendly. It was big enough for a pool, a nice fenced in underground pool that made my mouth water. Why we hadn't gotten a pool, I didn't know, but we never had. There was a swing set and a sand box, and the boy's toys were all over the yard. I could see Chakotay's touch – and I knew it was his, not his mother's or sister's – in the gardens around the yard. It was beautiful in the silver moonlight.

I pushed my hair back off my damp forehead as I sat down in a deck lounge. It wasn't normally this hot in San Francisco, but it was the beginning of July, and the air was practically sizzling. I wondered whose bright idea it had been to have the Voyager reunion in July instead of May, when we had actually returned. The ten year mark had passed, but for some reason, the party planners at Starfleet had decided to wait until the summer. Idiots.

Two weeks. Two weeks until I would be laid bare before my crew, scrutinized and judged. I hoped I wouldn't be judged. I hoped they would realize why we had done what we had.

Would Seven be there?

I wasn't sure if I wanted her to be or not.

I was lost in my thoughts, so I didn't hear him until he was standing right next to me. I jumped in surprise, then smiled sheepishly.

"You caught me. Puttering around as usual."

He laughed softly and sat on the edge of the lounge. "I wouldn't expect anything less." He stared out at the yard. We could see the water in the distance, glowing a pearly silver gray in the moonlight. "Who would have thought, huh?"

"Thought what?"

"This. Us. Everything." He turned back towards me and I could see his eyes gleaming. "This wasn't how I pictured my life ending up while we were on Voyager."

"It seems a million years ago," I said softly.

He nodded, then looked down. "I had this fantasy," he said in a near whisper. "I stopped paying attention to it after a while, but it was always there, in the back of my head."

My pulse quickened. 'Do you want to talk about it?"

He looked in my eyes again. "Do you want to hear about it?"

"Yes."

He smiled and took my hand. It was the first time he had done that since we met again. I couldn't even remember the last time he had done it. Years and years ago, surely long before the end of our journey. But I hadn't forgotten the way it felt.

"I imagined it wouldn't be long before we got home. I had faith that the Maquis would be exonerated, although I did still worry about that until we learned of the massacre. Then, I knew they wouldn't persecute us. Public opinion would never allow it. I imagined a welcome home banquet, and I imagined you, free at last. You would be happy, smiling the way you never seemed to anymore. You were so beautiful in the beginning, Kathryn, before you stopped smiling. Before…before."

I knew he was referring to when Seven came on board. He was right, everything changed after that. Kes' departure broke me in a way I hadn't expected. Then there was the void…I couldn't even think about that without shuddering. The Equinox incident nearly broke us. We were never the same. I can't pinpoint the moment in the last two years of the journey where we broke, but I know we were just never the same. And I knew, even then, that Seven had a lot to do with that. It was ironic. He wanted her dead to begin with. He was irritated by my preoccupation with her, with how responsible I felt for her. If there had been a nail in our coffin, she would have been it. And he married her.

A nail in the coffin of our friendship first…and then what might have been.

"Are you saying I wasn't beautiful anymore?" I said, smiling to let him know I was kidding.

"Well…you started to look old. You weren't fresh faced anymore. I swear, Kathryn, you look younger now than you did when we came home."

"Thank you," I said softly. "I try."

"Yeah, that, or being without twenty-four hour a day stress and strain is the real fountain of youth." He sighed. "I imagined that at the banquet, I would take you outside. There would be moonlight, like tonight, and you would be in some sort of sparkling dress, and I would tell you. I would tell you everything I told you the night we made Charlotte. How much I had always loved you, and how much I wanted to be with you. I would ask you to marry me." He squeezed me hand. "And we would live happily ever after with four kids and a dog."

I smiled weakly. "We have a pretty skewed version of that fantasy."

"We have moonlight."

His meaning was clear, and I began to tremble. I hadn't allowed myself to believe he still felt the same, and I hadn't allowed myself to imagine a future together with him short of shuttling our daughter between us. But now, maybe, there was hope for something more.

"I had a fantasy, too."

"What was it?"

"It started after I had Charlotte," I admitted. "All my earlier fantasies were of a…carnal sort." I shrugged, sure my face was bright red. "After she was born, I became very depressed. I would see couples with their babies and I would be devastated all over again that I couldn't have that. I would imagine contacting you, and you would rush to us, and we would never be apart. But I knew I couldn't do it. If I didn't hear of a divorce, it meant you had found peace with her." I shook my head. "I don't know why no one told me, why B'Elanna didn't. Maybe they all thought I knew and was choosing to do nothing about it."

"Maybe they thought the same thing about Charlotte," he said softly. "That I knew and didn't choose to address it. We don't talk all the time. We keep in contact, but life is so busy…still, they never mentioned it to me. We talk enough that they could have. No one told me you had a child."

"No one told me you did, either." I tightened my grip on his hand. "I imagined more children. Brothers and sisters for Charlotte, running around and making a mess." I laughed softly. "I wasn't far off from the truth."

He ran a hand through my hair and down my face, cupping my check. "I forgive you for keeping Charlotte from me. I know your intentions were good. I wish you hadn't, but I can't change that now."  
"If you can forgive me for that, I can forgive you for Seven."

"I'm sorry for Seven. I know that hurt you terribly. But I was lonely…"

"You don't need to explain. If you hadn't married her, we might not have Charlotte or the boys, and I wouldn't give up their existence. Let's not dwell on the past."

"We can only move forward."

"Where are we moving towards?"

He raised an eyebrow. "My bedroom?" he said slyly.

I laughed at his presumption. "Your modesty astounds me."

Chakotay grinned, his dimples flashing and his teeth shining white in the silvery night. "I never claimed to be modest."

I sighed, bringing out intertwined hands up to rest under my chin. "What will people say at the anniversary, really?"

He grew serious. "I think our crew knew us well enough that they won't judge. They wanted us together. No one could understand why we weren't together, and I think they expected it on our return. Once news of my relationship with Seven began to filter out, I received mixed reviews. A lot of people were irritated."

"They told you that?"

"No. But B'Elanna was only too happy to tell me how people felt. She was one of the staunchest in the anti-Seven and Chakotay camp. She had a crate of champagne delivered to me the night my divorce was finalized."

"She did not!"

"She did. I was so depressed that I actually appreciated it. I had my sister take the boys – she was on Trebus then – and I spent the night getting drunk and toasting everything I could think of. I almost called you that night."

"I wish you had," I whispered. "I would have been up with Charlotte. She didn't sleep through the night until she was one, and even after that she would get up. She sometimes still does, and she'll watch television or wake me up to talk."

"She's very energetic."

"Very."

Chakotay sighed and laid down with me behind him, tucking his head under my neck. I wrapped my arms around him and rested my chin on his head. "What sort of statement did Starfleet release?"

"You didn't see it?"

"No."

"They released it today. I was impressed, it was word for word what I had requested. Basically they had a spokesperson read the prepared statement, stating that yes, you and I had a brief indiscretion but that we were both truly sorry for it, and I tried to make my marriage work after it but to no avail. My wife never knew about it, and her reasons for leaving were personal and known only to her. The marriage was a mistake from the beginning and you and I had always loved each other, and we would appreciate it if the press would allow us to move forward with our family without any interference."

I blinked back tears. "You said we've always loved each other? You really are sure of yourself."

"No, just sure of us." He patted my leg softly. "I knew where we were heading, even though I could see you didn't."

"So you decided to let me stew in my own indecision?"

"A fitting punishment," he said, his voice teasing.

I smiled. "So really, where do we go from here?"

"Well, we have the party in a few weeks. Until then, I say we spend some time together as a family. And I think…you and I should get to know each other again. We're not the same people we used to be. In many ways we are, but so much has changed. We need to rediscover each other before we can truly move forward together." He ran a hand down my bare leg and I shivered.

"Any ideas for this rediscovery?" I whispered.

He laughed, the deep, husky sound vibrating against my chest where his head lay. "I've got lots of ideas, Kathryn. Lots."

* * *

I woke up the next morning to three children jumping on top of me. I wondered why for a moment, until I remembered that I was in Chakotay's bed, with a half asleep Chakotay wrapped around me. My brain took a moment to catch up, but when it did, I could distinguish the multitude of questions the kids were throwing at us.

"Are you going to get married now?"

"Can we live here, Mommy? Oh, please can we live here in this house?"

"Do I have to wear a stupid suit at the wedding? I really don't want to."

"Can we call you Mom now, Kathryn? We never got to call anyone that."

It was that last question, from quiet little Kole – yes, I was beginning to tell them apart – that almost broke my heart. I pulled him close and gave him a hug, silently communicating with Chakotay just through our eyes, just the way we used to. He smiled and nodded.

"I would love it if you boys called me Mom."

They started cheering and jumping on the bed even more, and I laughed.

"But are you getting married?" Charlotte asked, her eyes glittering with that same intensity her father had always looked at me with. She was so obsessed with weddings.

"That's not something we're going to discuss," I said firmly. "We'll give it a few weeks and see how everything goes, okay?"

The kids looked mildly disappointed.

My mother, to add to my already plentiful embarrassment of the situation, appeared in the doorway. She smirked.

"Come on, kids, let's go make lunch."

"Lunch?" I asked weakly.

She pursed her lips together, I knew, to keep from laughing. "It's after twelve, Kathryn."

I groaned. The kids jumped off and ran out the door shouting what they wanted for lunch. My mother stood in the doorway another moment, shot off a "Glad you at least had the presence of mind to put your nightgown back on," and shut the door behind her. I groaned again and leaned back into Chakotay's embrace. He laughed.

"I'm glad you find this all amusing," I said sternly, rolling over to look at him. "I didn't want them to find us like this. It's a little inappropriate."

He cupped my cheek. "Do you care? Really?"

I had to smile. "No. No, I really don't."

* * *

So we got to know each other over the next two weeks. Once Starfleet's statement about us got around, people seemed less interested. We got occasional looks from strangers on the street, but most of them were smiles of encouragement. One little girl and her brother even ran up to us one day and said they wanted to serve on a starship in the Delta Quadrant just like us. They then proceeded to argue over who would be captain, before Chakotay broke in and said being a first officer was just as good, because the captain has to do more work. Then they argued over who would be first officer.

My mother watched the kids for us at night so we could go on 'dates'. It seemed a little silly to do so. After all, we had met seventeen years ago. We had served together for seven, we had a child, we had an intimacy that dating had never had a part in. But it was nice, actually. I hadn't ever dated since Charlotte was born. He hadn't dated since Seven left, and on Voyager neither one of us had had any significant relationship experience. We were a little rusty, but I guess that was all right. We could just be rusty together.

We went everywhere. The theatre, the opera (which I knew he sat through just for me), the wharf, museums…We even took a weekend and we all transported to Hawaii. The kids loved it, and at night, it was the most romantic place we could have been. We would just walk along the beach, holding hands, while the waves crashed along our feet.

I told him everything I had wanted to tell him for nine years. I told him about my writing. I told him every detail about Charlotte, from her first word to her first day of school. I told him how I used to watch her sleep, watch the rise and fall of her chest when she was a baby and marvel that after everything we'd been through, he and I had made her. I told him that sometimes, late at night, I would gaze through a telescope at whatever starship was orbiting Earth, and I would dream about our days on Voyager. I admitted that in many ways I missed it. I missed being the captain. But I had found something much more worthwhile to me in being a mother.

I discovered so much about him. He told me about learning his mother was alive when he returned from our journey. I think I must have already known his sister had survived, for he insisted he had told me, but I hadn't remembered. He told me about how his mother came with them to live on Trebus when he and Seven were first married, and how the two women hadn't gotten along at all. His mother, Alina, had left to go live near her daughter pretty quickly, and it had contributed to the already crumbling marriage.

"I resented Seven for it," he told me. "I hadn't seen my mother in so many years. I had always believed she was dead, and now to have her back, and for Seven to not even be able to tolerate her…it broke my heart. It was right after that when I came to see you." He turned to me. "I was going to leave her for you, Kathryn. Please believe that. But when I got home and she told me she was pregnant – with twins, no less – I couldn't leave my babies."

"I understand," I said softly. "We can't let that have a hold on us anymore, Chakotay. What happened, happened, And we can only move on."

He told me how he had moved from sand paintings to actual paintings, and I was impressed to realize that some of the paintings I had been admiring in the house were his work. I met his mother and sister when we went to Arizona for a night, and I absolutely fell in love with them. His sister, Sekaya, was widowed and had five children, three girls and two boys, and with the eight children running around, it was total chaos. But I was realizing, after so many years of just Mom, Charlotte and Me, that I was beginning to crave a large family in the worst way.

I spoke to Alina before we left that night. I was concerned that she would think less of me for sleeping with a married man and raising his child in secrecy. I had expressed my concerned to Chakotay, but he had just rolled his eyes and said that after living with Seven, his mother completely understood the situation. "She always wanted to meet you, anyway," he said. "I think she's actually pretty please with this whole situation."

And she told me as much, when we spoke privately. She took my hand and called me her daughter, and said that she could tell that her son's soul was finally at peace at being allowed to be one with its mate. I was touched at her acceptance of me, as I was at her and Sekaya's unrestrained affection towards Charlotte. They even loved my mother, and she and Alina had bonded quickly in that way that grandmother's do, swapping stories and anecdotes. We were, it seemed, going to be one happy family. Charlotte was thriving with the attention, and her resiliency at having new people and new situations thrown at her was impressing me and making me a little sad at how grown up she had become, seemingly when I turned my back for a moment. But I was thriving as well. I had finally found, halfway into my life, what I had always been looking for. It reminded me of something I had read once, in my translation of Dante's Inferno_. In the middle of the journey of our life, I found myself astray in a dark wood, where the straight road had been lost. _And I had found it. I had found it in Chakotay.

* * *

The day came for the anniversary party. I was so nervous, trembling all day. I hadn't really seen anyone in about ten years. I wondered what they would think about me. Would they hate me? Would they hate us?

I had to replicate my dress three times. The first two ended up with coffee all over them as I tried to drink with my shaking hands. Finally, Chakotay took the coffee away from me. "No more caffeine," he said sternly. He handed me a cup. "Here, have some herbal tea."

I made a face. "You know I hate that stuff," I said even as I took a long slug of it. He smiled in amusement.

"You're being nervous for no reason."

"You can say that. You're not the home wrecking whore."

"Kathryn…"

"I know, I know. I know they won't think of me like that. Well, most of them won't."

He took my still shaking hand in his and sat me on the bed next to him. I could hear the kids playing out in the backyard, and I began to tremble more. They had been through so many changes this summer. I couldn't bear for them to hear any more bad words against their parents.

"Listen," he said. "This is _our_ crew. They're like…they're like our kids. They won't think badly of us. We did a bad thing, yeah, but would you change it? I wouldn't. The only thing I'd change – and I've said this a million times – is how many years went by before I saw you again. Okay? Please don't worry about it. You're still Starfleet's Golden Girl. More people than us have done worse, and they've been forgiven."

"Oh, like who?"

"Well…Tom, for instance. He was welcomed back with open arms wasn't he? And no one talks about what happened on Caldik Prime any more. We're only human, Kathryn. We didn't kill anyone, we didn't rob anyone, we didn't go on an arson spree and burn down half of San Francisco. We do things out of love or passion and don't think of the consequences. And we didn't hurt anyone. Seven left me without ever knowing about this, and more than that, she left her children. She has more to answer for than we do."

"Do you think she'll be there?"

He sighed. "I hope not. I really don't want the boys to see her. I wish we could leave them at home but they've been looking forward to this for so long."

"I wish we could leave them all at home, too. I don't want them to hear anything."

"They _won't_. Come on now. I have a gift for you. Will that make you feel better?"

I raised an eyebrow. "I do like gifts." I smiled softly. "I still have that pocket watch you gave me for my birthday that one year."

"Really? I'm glad. That means a lot to me, Kathryn. Now, here is your next special gift." He grinned and pulled a little box out of his trouser pocket. "Open it."

I looked at him in puzzlement before opening the little black box. I gasped when I saw what was inside. It was a ring, a diamond solitaire, surrounded by fire opals. My favorite stone.

I looked up at him, questions in my eyes. "It is if you want it to be," he said. "But if you want to wait, then it's just a pretty ring. No pressure."

I stared back down at the ring. A million thoughts flew through my mind. Was I ready? Were we ready? I knew the children were, but I didn't want to raise their hopes in case it didn't work out. _Come on, Kathryn_, I chastised myself. _You've been waiting for this for more than a decade. It's time._

I took a deep breath and took the ring out of the box. I smiled up at him as I slid it onto my left ring finger.

"There's your answer."

He bit his lip for a moment as if he couldn't believe how easy that had been. Then he pulled me to him in a bone crushing hug, holding me as if he were never going to let me go.

"I love you, Kathryn," he said hoarsely. "I have always loved you."

"I love you, too," I whispered. "So much."

We stood up and he held me loosely in his embrace, looking me up and down. "Well, this dress has escaped unscathed. Are you ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be, I suppose."

"Should we tell the kids?"

I nodded happily. "Yes, let's do that. Not that it'll be much of a surprise."

They weren't surprised at all, only thrilled. They chattered happily about the wedding and moving in together and more babies, which had me and Chakotay spluttering and vehemently insisting that there would be no babies. We were quite happy with our little family, thank you very much.

My mother hugged me with tears in her eyes. "You've finally come to where you were always meant to be," she whispered in my ear. "I have no doubt that this was always where you would end up. All these years I waited for you two to find each other again."

"So did I," I whispered back.

* * *

We dressed the children for the party. They looked so precious, and they looked so much alike that they could pass for triplets. The boys were dressed in little black tuxes to match their father. Charlotte was wearing a forest green dress with a puffy skirt and a black sash tied into a bow, black patent leather Mary Jane's on her feet. Her long dark hair was curled and held half back in a green ribbon. She looked the very picture of a little doll, and I prayed she wouldn't muss herself in a half hour, as she was prone to do.

She had picked her dress to match mine. It was the same color green, but a type of silk, falling gracefully to my feet. It was sleeveless, with a low neckline and a plunging back, and I wasn't sure an admiral – retired or not – should be wearing it, but both Chakotay and my mother insisted, so I relented. My hair was a cascade of curls, and I felt very lovely especially considering my age, but I was so nervous. So, so nervous.

Starfleet had arranged for a car to come get us, and sooner than I would have liked, we were at the Starfleet Headquarters Ballroom, where they had all their incredibly important functions. Apparently, they were considering this to be something of a star studded event, and they had pulled out all the stops. My heart started racing as we approached the ballroom, as I saw the press lining the entryway with their cameras and holo imagers. The car in front of us let out Admiral Davis and his wife, and then our door was opened. Chakotay stepped out first, and immediately, like scavengers, the press descended upon us.

He held out a hand to help me, and I stepped out. I braced myself for the inappropriate questions, for the accusations, but none came. They just wanted pictures, and there were quite a few wishes of good luck. I smiled tentatively and helped the children out of the car. They looked around in awe, and of course Charlotte smiled pretty for the cameras and gave all the reporters a little curtsy that just charmed their socks off.

We entered the lobby, and I was surprised to only see a few uniformed security officers. "Are we late?" I asked a lieutenant.

"No, ma'am, Admiral Janeway. You're right on time." He tapped his combadge. "Walker to Paris. The admiral and commander have arrived."

_"Very good, Lieutenant. Bring them in. We're ready."_

"Acknowledged." He smiled. "Follow me, please."

He led us down a hallway to the ballroom. I didn't hear any noise, and I glanced to Chakotay in puzzlement. He shrugged. I glanced back at my mother, who just smiled.

When we reached the doors, the two officers posted there smiled at us, then opened them.

Chakotay took my arm and we walked into the silent ballroom, and as we walked further in, I could see my former crew, all standing at attention along the walls of the ballroom, their arms up in a salute. Every admiral along the dais was standing, saluting us as well. Tears pricked my eyes as I realized what they were doing. They were _honoring_ us. They didn't hate me. They only, as ever, respected me.

I gawked around, words failing me. The children crowded around me, unsure of what was going on. My mother chuckled softly behind me, and that's when I realized she had known about this.

I finally found my voice. "At ease," I croaked.

As soon as I said the words, everyone relaxed, and someone started clapping. The clapping turned into a thunderous applause, and even cheers. Someone started up a chant of "Kiss, kiss, kiss!" and Chakotay, laughing, kissed me softly, which only sent them into further spasms of cheers and applause. It was hardly the dignified entrance I had been hoping to make, but I felt as though my heart were about to burst with joy.

We made our way up to the dais, and shook all the admiral's hands. They kids got a big kick out of it, I could tell. I reached Admiral Paris, who wrapped me in a hug.

"It's nice to see you, Kathryn," he said, grinning. "But I think your crew would like a few words."

I nodded, blinking tears from my eyes. He gestured to an old fashioned microphone set up, and I began to speak.

"Good evening," I said, willing my voice not to tremble. "I can't even tell you how much what you just did means to me. I came here tonight, apprehensive because of the news that's been going around in the last few weeks. I wasn't sure what you would think of me, of us. I should have known that we were always a family, and we always will be. We experienced a journey like no other. I was proud to serve with each and every one of you, and I'm sorry I haven't been around this past decade. I've missed so much…" My voice faltered, and Chakotay laid a hand on my shoulder. "But that will all change. I look forward to speaking to all of you, to getting to know you again, and to a future with all of you as my friends." I smiled. "As my family."

"To family!" Tom Paris shouted, holding up his champagne glass.

"To family!" came the echo. I smiled, and stepped back for Admiral Paris to say a few words. Then the party began, and I was overwhelmed by people coming over to talk to me. Chakotay smirked at me. His eyes were saying _I told you so_.

B'Elanna was one of the first to throw caution to the wind and engulf her former commanding officers in a suffocating Klingon hug. I had to catch my breath when I was finally released.

"I knew it! I always knew it was him!" my former chief engineer said triumphantly. "Didn't I, Tom?"

"Yeah, you're a real genius," Tom smirked. "It would've taken Einstein to figure that out."

"Shut up. It's so wonderful to see you both again, I've missed you so much!" B'Elanna's eyes welled up with tears, and I was momentarily alarmed. B'Elanna, crying? There was something rare.

Tom saw the look on my face and grinned. "Don't mind her, she's just pregnant again." He sighed. "Allllways pregnant. And to think we worried about being biologically compatible."

"How many does this make?" Chakotay asked, amused. "I've lost count."

"Sometimes I do, too." Tom gaze scanned the crowd and zeroed in on a group of children introducing themselves to Charlotte. "Miral, Jonathan, Lena and Julia, in that order." Tom grinned. "Next one's a boy. We're naming him Gregory. It's Dad's middle name."

"Well, congratulations," I said, squeezing B'Elanna's arm. "I'm so happy for you."

To my even further alarm, B'Elanna burst into tears and crushed me in another hug. "No, I should be congratulating you! I'm so, so happy for you both, so happy!"

"Is she doing it again?" an amused voice said behind me. I turned around.

"Harry!" Now tears welled in my eyes. My youngest ensign, my youngest baby, was very much a grown man, gray temples and all. He was a captain now, according to his pips. How had I not known that?

We hugged, and he shook Chakotay's hand. "It's good to see you both. It's been far too long." He gestured to the woman next to him. "This is my wife, Libby."

She shook our hands, grinning. "I've wanted to meet you, Admiral, for such a long time. I saw you at the welcome home banquet but we were never introduced. I've seen Commander Chakotay since, and he always had such wonderful things to say about you. I'm so, so honored to meet you. Harry has so many stories about you, as well."

"Uh-oh," Chakotay said. "That worries me."

"Don't worry," Tom snorted. "The stories I've told her about Harry are far more scandalous than anything she's ever heard about you."

Harry rolled his eyes. Then he pointed to two very small children being held by a couple I recognized as Harry's parents, who were speaking to Chell and his wife. "That's James and Rebecca. They're four and five. And exhausted. Mom and dad will probably take them home soon, but they wanted to come meet you."

"And I would love to meet them, and for you all to meet Charlotte." I lowered my eyes. "I'm sure you've heard about her."

"Well, I didn't believe it at first, until Starfleet released a statement confirming it," Harry said. "But I was thrilled when I found out it was true."

I raised my eyes to meet his smiling ones. "Really?"

"Really. So, Tom, who won the betting pool?"

"No one," Tom said jubilantly. "They took too damn long. I get it all!"

"Yeah, because you really need replicator rations." Chakotay said sarcastically.

"We transferred the pot to credits when we got home," Tom said happily. "But don't worry, I'm only keeping ten percent. The rest goes to charity."

"How magnanimous of you," B'Elanna said dryly.

"Admiral Janeway."

I turned, and immediately grinned. "Tuvok, my old friend."

"It is good to see you. I have enjoyed our correspondence, but I find I have missed your presence."

"And I, yours," I smiled at his wife. "T'Pel, you look very well."

"As do you, Admiral."

Tuvok glanced around the room. "The crew seems to have propagated quite a bit."

"I have four kids," Tom said proudly. "With another one in the oven."

"Shut up, Tom." B'Elanna said.

"Mommy?"

I looked down and smiled at Charlotte, who was gazing around in wonder. The child had never seen so many people in one place before, and maybe that was my fault.

"What is it, sweetheart?"

She made a face. "Aren't you going to introduce me? It's good manners, you know."

I rolled my eyes as the others laughed. "Forgive me. Charlotte, this is Tom, B'Elanna, Tuvok, T'Pel and Harry. They all served on Voyager with Daddy and me."

I could see a few raised eyebrows and smiled at "Daddy and me," and the smiles widened when Charlotte held out her little hand to shake everyone else's.

"Well, it's about time, Miss Janeway," Tom said when she shook his hand. "I've heard about you but never seen you."

"I know. I've heard about you, too," Charlotte said, smirking in a way that reminded me far too much of myself. "Thank you for the television. I love it so much."

"I knew you would," he winked at her. "I knew your mother would, too."

"Oh, I adore it," I said sourly.

"Have you met my brothers?" Charlotte said, pointing at the boys who were playing with the other children.

"Several times. But your mother has hidden you like a little jewel," Tom said.

Charlotte beamed at him. "I know. Mommy's a hermit. Daddy said he's going to break her out of that habit, especially once they're married."

There was a collective intake of breath from our little group and everyone around us who was eavesdropping, except for Tuvok and T'Pel of course, who merely raised their eyebrows. I blushed, but Chakotay looked extremely amused…almost as amused as Tom and Harry. B'Elanna, of course, looked like she was about to turn on the waterworks again.

"Married?" She gasped loudly. "You're getting married? When? Where?"

The congratulations came pouring in on all sides, and I had my hand snatched by everyone just to see my ring. It spread around the ballroom quickly. I hadn't quite planned on announcing it like that, but I guess I should have known Charlotte couldn't keep it to herself. Hell, Chakotay probably put her up to it.

The party went on like that for a while. I chatted with nearly everyone. Samantha Wildman was especially thrilled to see me, and she dragged a very pregnant Naomi over to say hello. Seeing her like that broke my heart, because she was truly no longer a little girl. She had barely been the last time I saw her, just before I found out I was pregnant. Her half-Ktarian genes had accelerated her growth to where while she was now only sixteen years old chronologically, she was in her mid to late twenties physically and mentally. And she was married to Icheb. When I saw them, together, standing before me as an adult couple, I felt terribly old and sad that I had let so many years go by without seeing them. I had, it seemed, missed everything.

The Doctor came over to say his hellos. He was going by the name of Steven Hawking now, which I found a tad presumptuous but then, he had never really been anything but full of himself. And I mean that with much affection. He wouldn't have been the Doctor we knew and loved if he hadn't been a puffed up peacock. I hadn't seen him in years, although he was the one to deliver Charlotte, mostly because I could trust him not to go directly to the press with the news. But since then, I hadn't done more than speak to him a few times. It turned out he had gotten married three years earlier, which I knew about, but I had never met his wife, Dina. I was surprised to find that she was a human woman, flesh and blood. They even had a child. She had been impregnated by an anonymous donor, and they now had a bright eyes one year old boy named – of course – Steven Jr.

There was a short memorial to our missing crewmembers. Many of their relatives had made it to the party, and they were given the opportunity to speak about their lost loved ones. Sarah Carey brought tears to everyone's eyes with her speech about Joe…Joe's was perhaps the death that haunted me most. After that, Admiral Paris swung up the mood by announcing a dancing competition, which the Doctor and his wife won. There were a few games for the children, and a slideshow of some of our more…undignified moments on Voyager (courtesy of good old 'Steven', I was sure). There were quite a few pictures – which I hadn't known existed – of Chakotay and I looking at each other in completely inappropriate ways, probably from earlier in the voyager. There were a few of Seven…but she _had_ been a member of our crew. She deserved a place among us, even in pictures.

We were in the middle of desert when a hush fell over the room. I looked up, confused, to see what had caused it, and my heart stopped.

Seven of Nine, walking in on the arm of a handsome Vulcan.

She was stunning, to say the least. If the years had been good to me and Chakotay, to her they had been overindulgent. She was clad in a tight fitting dress of bright blue, her long blonde hair cascading down her back. Her beautiful face surveyed the room, searching. Her eyes narrowed as they settled on our table.

I had half been expecting a confrontation. I knew she wouldn't stay away, especially if she had heard about what we had done. But a part of me hoped she would be unable to face everyone after what _she_ had done, abandoning her children the way she had. I guess I was wrong about that.

She marched right over to us with her Vulcan in tow. Murmurs and whispers filled the room as she approached. My legs were shaking, and I felt Chakotay lay a heavy hand on my thigh to keep it still. I looked at him and he just shook his head, indicating not to worry.

She stood before us. I hadn't seen her in more than nine years, but she hadn't changed. That same haughty look on her face, that same Borg superiority seeping out of her. Whatever humanity she had gained on Voyager, it had never been able to completely eradicate her belief in her superior intelligence, or her dependence on it.

"My husband, Sarik," she said, indicating the Vulcan man. "I would speak to you both," she said in a level voice. "Privately. Let's not put on the scene they all expect."

I nodded and rose, Chakotay standing with me in tandem. We followed her out of the ballroom, nodding at everyone who was staring at us. I caught sight of Charlotte and the twins. Charlotte looked frightened. The twins wore the same look of fury, their fists clenched. I should have known they would recognize their mother…it wouldn't take much for them to find a picture of her on any database. I gave them the most confident smile I could, but their expressions remained.

We stood together in the empty lobby. Seven folded her arms over her chest and stared at us. Chakotay just glared at her.

"I'm surprised to see you here."

"You shouldn't be. I was a member of this crew. Or isn't that what you always told me, Admiral?" she leveled that laser gaze on me. I winced.

"I always considered you to be a member of this crew…and a friend." I said softly.

"Really? I wasn't aware friends slept with their friends' husbands. Or is that an aspect of humanity I have yet to assimilate?"

"Oh, cut the crap, Seven," Chakotay said angrily. "You were just as bad as me, worse even. You slept with more people and left your own children. Justify that."

"I did what I did because I knew I could never be what you wanted," she said, seething. "I lost count of how many nights you mumbled her name in your sleep. Even while I was pregnant. I suppose you didn't know about that."

"Maybe you should have told me and we could have worked things out amicably. The boys didn't have to suffer because our marriage wasn't working."

"I am still at a loss, all these years later, as to why you married me if she was the one you wanted."

Chakotay opened his mouth, then closed it. Then opened it. "No matter what my transgressions, they pale over your abandonment of your children."

She lowered her head, suddenly looking shamed. "I couldn't be a proper wife," she said softly. "I knew I wouldn't be a proper mother. I never even wanted to be a mother. I never really had one. I knew they would be better off."

"Who were you to judge that? You think not having a mother would make their lives easier?"

She lifted her head, glaring at him. "I expected you to go to _her_. I expected she would be their mother. How was I to know how thick you could be?"

I watched the exchange as a silent observer, a part of me amazed and so proud of how _human_ she had become. Her speech patterns were nearly indistinguishable from ours. I could almost hug her if I wasn't afraid she would rip my head off.

"There was no reason for you to go around whoring yourself. I know of at least six men you slept with on Trebus before you left. I still haven't heard an adequate explanation for that."

"Why should I remain faithful to a man who didn't love me?"

"So you should have talked to me! We could have discussed it and gotten a divorce like normal people, and you could have been in your sons' lives!"

"You were supposed to be with her!" she suddenly shouted. "Everyone knew it! Do you think people kept that from me? Do you think people let me think for one second that I was anything more than Kathryn Janeway's replacement? Moving to Trebus didn't change what I already knew. I was going to divorce you and send you to her, but then I found out I was pregnant. I knew you wouldn't leave me on your own after that, so I tried to make you. But you still wouldn't leave! So I left instead."

We stared at her in silence. She had tears falling from her eyes, but she wouldn't look at us. She stared at something on an opposite wall while we took her diatribe in.

"You still could have had a life with the boys," Chakotay said quietly. "They should have never suffered just because we weren't meant to be."

She looked back at him. "I shouldn't have married you. I don't know why I did. I suppose I needed an anchor once we were back. I was confused, scared. You were there. But I don't think I ever loved you the way I was supposed to, and I know you didn't love me that way. I think you wanted to. I think you wanted me to erase her memory. But I never could. And I knew that if our marriage wasn't meant to be, then neither were our children. They were always meant to be hers. That's why I separated myself from them. I couldn't share what wasn't mine."

"Are you insane?" I finally interjected. "They are no less yours than your own brain. You carried them and gave birth to them. Nothing will ever change that, no matter who their father is married to."

She shook her head. "No. I never felt a connection with them. Not even while they were inside me. I felt like a surrogate. I know how horrible that might seem to you. But I never felt what other woman feel while carrying a child, and I never connected with them as infants. I knew I couldn't be their mother. You could. You were supposed to be. But from what I've heard, you have only just recently reconnected."

We were quiet. I wasn't sure what to say, and I don't think Chakotay was either. I couldn't imagine carrying life inside of me and not loving it right away. Every night I lay with my hand on my stomach, feeling Charlotte kick and tumble, talking to her and letting her get to know me long before I would be able to know her. I loved being pregnant. I didn't even mind childbirth, when I knew what I was getting at the end was more precious than anything in the universe ever could be to me. I was horrified by what Seven said. But could I blame her for it? She had never really had a mother. Any maternal feelings she could have had must have been wiped clean by the Borg. Maybe though, she was never meant to have those feelings at all. Some women aren't.

I reached out tentatively for her hand. She hesitated before placing hers in mine. "Seven," I said, my voice trembling. "I am so sorry for what we did. It was wrong. And I'm sorry for how you felt. I wish you had told someone. I'm so sad that you had all those feelings and no one to talk to about it."

She blinked. "I thought the Doctor removing the Borg failsafe device would be…amazing. But it wasn't. I will never be like other humans, especially other human women. I think I have come as far in my humanity as I ever will. I've researched cases of children or adults who have for some reason been disconnected from society, and in many cases they are never fully re-assimilated. I will never regret that you freed me from the collective. But I will never truly be one of you. I have found my peace on Vulcan. I could never belong among humans, not now."

"That's not true…" I began to argue, but Chakotay held up a hand to interrupt.

"I understand."

She nodded. "And I understand why you turned to the admiral. We should have never married. It was always supposed to be you and her. I just…" she closed her eyes. "The other admiral said we were married. I thought if it had worked out once, it would work out again. But now I wonder if they were even truly happy. We can never know what their relationship was really like. And she died so early in the marriage…for all we know the same thing happened with them that happened with us. I can't imagine the three of us in such close quarters being happy with the situation. I think the admiral left a lot out."

"I think…" I said slowly. "If the marriage had become unhappy, the admiral probably felt responsible. I certainly would have. It's likely she even told us about the marriage in an attempt to give you two a second chance."

I had often thought of the admiral over the years, about the bitter, unhappy woman I was once destined to become. The reasons she had given me for returning had never seemed good enough to me, and I knew she held back an awful lot. Seven and Chakotay, for instance, was a subject I knew she was being deceitful on. She wouldn't come back and tell them they would end up together unless she was the reason they didn't work out in the first place. I am many things, but I am certainly not that selfless. There had to be more to it than that.

In the darkest hours of the night when I would think about it, I would often come to the grim conclusion that Seven's death might have been a direct result in some way of my interference in their marriage. I know myself, and I know Chakotay. His marriage to Seven would have, ironically, been the catalyst to make me admit my feelings to him and to myself, if we were still on Voyager. But at the same time, I never spoke up after we returned home and they continued their relationship, for the sole reason that I knew they had been married in that timeline.

It was an incredibly bipolar way of thinking. I knew they would be married, and yet I expected that I was the one who would destroy their marriage, and yet I allowed them to get married anyway without opening my mouth.

And they said Chakotay was the contrary. I was a contrary to _myself_.

"She was in error," Seven said. "I am only sorry that you were not able to raise the children together, but I hope that is an oversight you are planning to correct."

I held up my hand. "It is."

A ghost of a smile crossed her face. "Then all is as it should be," she said kindly. "We have…cleared the air, as you say. There are no more secrets and no one will be unhappy." She paused. "Chakotay, I would like to meet them. I cannot be a part of their lives, and I do not know if they'll understand that without being hurt, but I would like to meet them."

I could tell Chakotay wanted to say no. I wasn't even sure if that should be allowed. But I also thought the boys would be more hurt if she left without even talking to them. "Chakotay, I think you should get the children," I said softly.

He raised his eyebrow. "You do?"

"Yes. They're smart boys. If she explains it, they'll understand. I think in many ways, they already do."

He hesitated, but then disappeared to go retrieve them. I could only imagine what was going on in the ballroom at that moment. Likely every person in there was up against the doors with a glass to their ear, and the children would be right up front.

As we waited, Seven and I stared at each other. She was the first to speak.

"I hope you can understand me, Admiral," she said. "You were always one of the very few who did."

"I understand you, Seven."

"I am not sure which of us should feel more apologetic. You slept with my husband, but I took him from you first."

"He was never mine."

"That's where you're wrong. He was always yours. But I knew that any man you deemed valuable was a man to admire. And it seemed as though the two of you were never going to…" she trailed off as something behind me caught her attention. I turned to see Chakotay leading the children.

Kole and Manny were trailing behind their father, their faces still stony. They had that same stubborn look I had sometimes seen on their father's face when he had been wronged and refused to hear otherwise. Charlotte was holding Chakotay's hand, and she looked almost as apprehensive as she had when Seven first arrived.

"What was it like in there?"

"Oh, everyone's waiting on tenterhooks," he said, grinning. "I think they're expecting a cat fight." He glanced behind him. 'Come on, boys. She doesn't bite."

The boys came to a stop next to Chakotay, staring up at the woman who had born them. She gave them a small smile.

"You don't look anything like me," she said.

It was an odd opening statement, but for some reason, it seemed to relieve the boys of some tension. The relaxed a bit but continued to examine her.

"Where have you been?" Manny asked.

"I have traveled. I am married now, and I live on Vulcan."

"Do you have more kids?" he asked, his tone accusatory. That would be the ultimate insult, I knew.

"No," she said firmly. "I would not make a good mother. I know you are young and may not understand that. My intention in leaving was not to hurt you. It was to free you and your father, to allow you to be with the woman who should have been your mother." She gestured to me. "I expected your father to go to her. I am content to know that now you will all be together. It was what I wished when I left. I should have said so."

"You didn't want us?" Kole said in a small voice.

"I didn't regret you, if that's what you mean. I was grateful for your existence, but I knew I couldn't be a part of it. I am unfit to be a mother. I used to be a Borg. For most of my life, I was Borg. I am not like other women, and I never will be. I am sorry. But you will be happy with Admiral Janeway as your mother."

They continued to stare at her, before Manny nodded. "We want her to be our mother. You won't try to take us, will you?"

"No," she assured them. "You are where you should be. But…if you like, perhaps we can correspond. We can be…friends, of a sort."

They considered this. "That could be fun," Manny said. "I'd like to hear about living on Vulcan."

"Maybe someday you could all visit. But in the meantime, we should all be friends." Seldom seen tears glistened in her eyes. "We were once such good friends," she said, looking at me.

I felt tears on my own cheeks, and unable to hold out any longer, I enfolded Seven in a hug which she returned. "You were always like my daughter," I whispered in her ear. "I was so sorry for what I did."

"You shouldn't have been," she said hoarsely. "Your child is beautiful and you are with the one you love. I cannot wish more than that for you. I have missed you these past years."

"I have missed you," I said, not even entirely realizing until that moment how much I had missed her. She truly had been like my daughter, and I had been as proud of all her milestones as I was of Charlotte's.

I pulled back and pulled Charlotte forward. "I want you to meet Charlotte."

Charlotte, now that she was sure there would be no 'cat fight', was her usual charming self. She shook Seven's hand and started an incessant chatter that the boys soon joined in on, and in a few minutes Seven and the children were fast friends.

I knew they boys would always be hurt by what she had done. But I also knew that children have the remarkable ability to forgive. They had a mother now, and a sister. I was sure they wouldn't harbor as much anger against her now that they had what she had taken from them.

I linked arms with Seven and smiled. "I think there are a lot of people who want to see you."

We walked into the ballroom like that, and there was a collective sigh of relief (and I'm sure a few of disappointment at not seeing a fight) to see us together. Seven made the rounds, introducing her husband to everyone, and the night finished off peacefully. I felt as if my family was finally complete.

* * *

Seven kept in touch, and even came to our wedding in September. It wasn't fancy, but it was huge. I had invited every member of my Voyager family. I had a lot of lost time to make up for.

We traveled to Trebus together that year, all of us. And when I say all of us, I also mean Alina and Sekaya and her five children, and of course, Mom, who would finish her days in Indiana where she had raised her children, but not for many years. In the meantime, she transported back and forth in order to see her grandchildren, who she spoiled terribly. She had always spoiled Charlotte and my sister's two boys. She was even worse now that we had the twins.

Charlotte adored Trebus. She loved learning about the culture that was her heritage. When she was older, she spent two years in an exchange program at the new university they had recently built there. She never lived there permanently, but she and her siblings visited often, as did Chakotay and I.

Chakotay and I didn't have the perfect marriage – one doesn't exist – but we did have a wonderful marriage. Sure, we had our ups and downs. We had two more children, despite our initial insistence of no more babies, within the first three years of our marriage, and he drove me insane with both pregnancies. My advanced age was a concern but not the end of the world, but he treated me like glass throughout the entire ordeal, from day one. It was sweet, but after a while, suffocating.

Never mess with a whale on caffeine withdrawal.

Taya and Ned added a whole new dynamic to our family. Chakotay worshipped Taya…she was the baby girl he had missed out on. When Ned came, there was hardly a day that went by where he wasn't walking them around San Francisco in a double stroller, sometimes even bringing them to class with him. They were good babies – unlike their older siblings, who had cried terribly as infants – and we were grateful for that. The children adored them.

Charlotte and Chakotay were such buddies; it brought tears to my eyes whenever I saw them together. She was very interested in his carvings and his paintings, and would sit for hours watching him. The boys were far more rambunctious…they could never sit still. Some days I would have to take them to a holo-center and play round after round of velocity with them just to burn off their energy so we could all sleep at night.

But I'll say this…they kept us young.

And they really were like triplets. The boys took my last name, and almost no one ever brought up the fact that their mother was Seven on Nine. They kept in touch with her, and we even visited her on Vulcan a few times, but they never called her their mother.

That honor was mine.

Over the years we saw our Voyager family more and more. B'Elanna and Tom were over with the kids constantly, and Harry and Libby, who were more often than not on Harry's ship, which was Galaxy class, visited as much as possible. Tuvok and T'Pel were young when I was completely gray. I wondered how many of my descendants they would see before they, too, turned gray. I wondered how many of my descendants the Doctor would see before he shut his program off…if he ever would.

I watched Naomi and Icheb raise a family of three and send them off into the world. I watched Tal Celes become a member of the Federation Council, of all things. I saw members of my crew do great things. And after a while, I started to attend funerals. That was the worst part.

I have grandchildren now who are nearly grown. My first three children are all Starfleet…my babies are not. Taya is an artist like my sister, and Ned is a marine biologist.

And my Charlotte, my first baby. She is still my best friend.

And she is still her father's daughter.

And her father is still my Chakotay.

For the first eight years I raised her alone, with no hope that she would have a father and with every expectation that I would die alone. But I guess love is stronger than that. I never thought it was…I was the captain of a starship. I couldn't afford love. And in thinking that way, I almost lost it. But we found our way back to each other. It just took longer than I had hoped.

The lies I told and the truths I hid I can never take back. We might have been together from the beginning. I can't see any way that it was for the best, but maybe it was. It gave us all those years to miss each other…maybe we appreciate each other more because we know what life was like to be apart.

Then again, maybe we just screwed up. I don't know.

But I do know one thing. I'm not Admiral Janeway. I'm Kathryn. I'm reminded of that every day when I wake up next to my husband. Admiral Janeway didn't have this. And I feel sorry for that, sorry that once upon a time I had to live a lifetime of loneliness. I often wonder if any of that life is a part of me somehow, if it colored me in some way. That timeline happened…that life existed.

I wondered if she had a Charlotte. I wondered if that was the guilt she carried, because I could see it in her eyes. I knew she felt guilt for something far larger than she would admit to.

But that's no longer my problem. I've lived this life much longer than she lived hers. We are both at peace. And there are no more lies.

* * *

As I look into the face of my counterpart, I want to tell her the truth. I want her to know of the transgression I committed. Oh, it's not the only reason I've come back. I'm not that selfish, after all. But it lies inside of me, eating at me. My crew protected me when we returned home…no one but them knew. But I always knew.

She speaks of nonsense, this younger self. Would that I was that naïve again. She worries of directives and protocol, not knowing that protocol will destroy her and weaken her against her own morals. Dropping protocol now is the best thing she could do for herself, it will save her, but I know protocol will remain strict until she reaches home.

Which I am here to help them do.

I don't know what will happen once they get home. I've told her and Seven of Seven's fate…of her marriage and subsequent death. I don't know if they'll take the bait or not. I trust Seven to try to break off her relationship now. I don't know if I trust the good captain to pick up the reigns and stop being such a bitch.

I surreptitiously finger the locket under my neckline, hidden away from the world. My beautiful daughter lies in that locket, the only place where I can see her now, besides my memories. She was my savior and my curse. Seven left on that away mission without my permission because she couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't be faced with her husband's indiscretion day after day any longer. Did she take her own life? I don't know. I only know that she was dead by the time I made it to sickbay, dead in Chakotay's arms.

We both knew we were at fault. And we could never get past it.

And our daughter's death broke us further.

One of the twenty-two…I haven't told the captain that. She wouldn't believe me, I think. I know the doctor could tell I had given birth…he confronted me about it later. I told him to mind his own photons and that I expected doctor-patient confidentiality. He eagerly agreed but could I please tell him what had happened? He was always such a busybody. So I told him.

His look of shock followed me out of sickbay.

His captain, an adulteress? His captain, breaking the heart of his precious Seven like that? Oh, the scandal of it all!

My crew never judged me. They ignored it, even when she was born looking exactly like him. She had nothing of me, only my mother's eyes.

Seven ignored it for as long as she could.

I can only pray they'll take the second chance I'm giving them. They have time now. Once they're home, they have time.

I wonder if they'll have a Charlotte.

Named for her father, but not really.

My beautiful Charlotte. Only eight years old. Such a chatterbox. I miss her every day.

I remember sitting at Chakotay's side as he died, just before we entered Federation space. "I loved you," he said hoarsely. "I hope you know that. I loved you and Charlotte more than anything."

I knew.

A lot of good it did in knowing.

"A lot's happened since I was you," I tell her.

You have no idea.

I'm giving her the chance for happiness.

I'm giving her the chance for a life…without lies.

_The End_


End file.
